i should have been thankful

life these days has been one massive blur. i am not alone but i am really tired. secretly i realise, i am afraid inside. afraid of the twentieth week scan, afraid of another news bomb dropping down on my unborn baby. now i feel this inherent need to fight against the terror, which i sense is too near for comfort and chillingly, is ready to swallow me whole the moment i let my guard down.

during the first month, bleeding begins and kkh suspected a ectopic pregnancy. during the second month, still bleeding accompanied by severe morning sickness. during the third month, OSCAR result showed a risk of me having a down syndrome baby. as the day wore on, i began convincing myself that maybe it was not meant to be. just so the let down would be that much more bearable. but i am lying, i do not think anything would have made the cut less severe.

a person should experience everything once in your lifetime. i guess i did not think of this. really, all those came as a horrible shock, but maybe, a wake-up call. and this is enough to last one lifetime. i should stop re-enacting the moments in my head because everytime it gets worse and worse.

right now i just feel so small and vulnerable. an urge to curl up and hibernate. i do not know how i really really feel, yet? whenever my mind drifts, maybe i have to focus on the fact that, i can be considered lucky, it could have been worse.

the first trimester

the last four months had been very emotional tiring time for me, and probably the man. this pregnancy has been full of uncertainties, at least until now. everything i am going through everyday is about crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.

the morning sickness part, though was bad, but it is acceptable. during the first trimester, it was extreme fatigue. i was lying on the bed most of the time, day and night. thankfully, the man is always around to take care of me and our girl. the morning sickness last whole day at the beginning, then becomes more obvious at evening and night time.

at the Oscar test at twelfth weeks, dr adrian revealed a bad news, the result is not good. i am at a risk of 1:85 of having a baby with down syndrome. i had to proceed to do panorama test or amniocentesis to confirm result. see the number of question marks? it’s terrible. that’s all that’s been going on in my head everyday. everything a question, nothing a conviction.

while i chose panorama test as it is a dna screening with about 99% accurate, it was another seven to ten days of waiting. during the waiting period, i suspended myself in the moment, casting my eyes around taking it all in, deep breaths taking in this cold odourless air. the many moments where i am lonely but not alone. the many moments on bed, with my girl, with my two feet warm and cold at the same time, with my teary eyes and my hair messy. the unknown, the uncertainties, the worries that is not being answered - my world collapsed.

on the eighth day of waiting, with a call from the clinic, i am suddenly happy, and i can't place my finger on it.

second love of our life

the man and i did not plan for alexis. she just came along because we were not taking any birth control measures. hence we did not think i would NOT conceive naturally as we had an easy time the first time, until i was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome in march 2015. maybe this is the price i pay for letting myself go jelliod. it was then followed by months of seeing fertility doctors, western and eastern. the man and i embarked on a journey that was beyond our imagination. injections, acupuncture, medicines became my daily routine for the longest time. the effects of bloatedness and weight gain piled on me. call me whatever you like, but i am driven into desperation. we were literally forced into taking this step, with a huge bated breath. they say, three strikes and you're out but lucky for us, one strike and we are now in the game. for the longest time, i was as lost as a baby lamb, i was terrified that i will never amount to anything.

fast forward to october 2015. now that we have wrestled the fertility woes into submission, it is the start of our second love's life ♥♥ anyway, i have been thinking and i know that i want to make the best out of the next five months of my life. not that i am in a bad situation or anything, just that my situation is probably less than ideal in the eyes of many. the severe morning sickness attack, the non-stopping bleeding, the cyst in my womb, the month long hospitalisation leave and the traumatic OSCAR scan result. despite all these, i am excited actually. i am excited to be carrying another love. i am excited to meet this little love of ours. i really am.