crisis of existence

do you read this? i do not know since when, i am turning into a silent self, inclining towards self destruction.

secretly i realise, i am afraid inside. i have been starting to think what it means to be me, but i can’t seem to figure that one out. who am i? how do i define myself? how does one describe me? truth be told, i do not know the answers and feel increasingly lost. am i defined by what i do? what i believe in? my background? others? i do not know, what are normal people defined by. or do we need definitions? lately that is all that has been going on in my head. everything a question, nothing a conviction. they are ready to swallow me whole the moment i let my guard down.

tomato pasta sauce, from scratch

i am always first in line for comfort and security, hugs and love. i like to lurk, observing happy, peaceful scenes (especially of my girl!) and basking in the afterglow. i get contented easily and fulfilled in many little ways but depleted in big dips. weekends are comforting and fruitful because the days in office has always been so draining. but when the fulfillment runs shallow, i look for an escape. i am always dreaming of the day when i could have my own little piece of the appalachian mountains, where my little family could live a simple life, bake bread, raise animals, grow our own food and cut down our own trees for christmas.

yesterday, the man and i seems to go into the future, leading the life that we have always dream of. we made our tomato pasta sauce from scratch :) we allow the roasted vegetables work their magic with some olive oil, seasonings and then a handful of herbs in the oven. a pot of delicious tomato sauce will be ready in no time.

thank you my dear for sharing the same dream. you were with me at every single step, you are more than words.

tomato pasta sauce
12 tomatoes, cut in half
5 cloves garlic, smashed
1 medium onion, cut into chunks
2 carrot, unpeeled and chopped into large pieces
salt
ground black pepper
olive oil
handful of fresh rosemary

preheat oven to 350 degrees. line a baking sheet with aluminium foil. place the tomato (skin-side down), onion, garlic and carrot and sprinkle with salt, pepper and rosemary. drizzle olive oil all over. bake for 75 minutes. transfer the roasted vegetables to a blender and blend until smooth.

a perfect imperfect me

alexis is now an active toddler, she is even better than what i dared to imagine. she is dashing around everyday, developing and growing every single second, as if she is going through a massive growth spurt. she is like a big, soft, fluffy pillow. a pillow that smells very strongly of happiness. there is something about her that just makes me feel better and more settled if i am feeling a little off. having alexis and of course the man in my life can go no wrong. my life is already perfect with this.

i like weekends where we have no sense of time except for catching up with sleep, shopping in the supermarkets, cooking with the freshest ingredients, laughing at the silliest thing in the world, having that happy feeling as the most wonderful thing in the world. i wish for this everyday and everyday. during this weekend, i also have my hands on creamy cauliflower soup/sauce for the girl. no butter, no seasoning, just the way i like it for the girl. she had it as an alfredo sauce over cooked quinoa and her steamed vegetable, or just plain as cream of cauliflower soup :) it also can be eaten like 'mash potato'.

creamy cauliflower soup/sauce
380g raw cauliflower
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
3 tablespoons olive oil
2 cups full-cream milk (use lesser milk if you want it as 'mash potato')

put all ingredients into a pot and bring to a complete boil, then cover and simmer 20 minutes until cauliflower is fall-apart tender. blend.

on a side note, alexis was taught to say "happy mommy's day". i heard it, thanks both my darlings :)

tomorrow in mindchamps

ahhhh, alexis is going to her playgroup tomorrow and i cannot believe how quickly this day has arrived, and this time it feels different. more significant.

there is nothing better than starting her day with a freshly baked banana oatmeal muffin. it is so easy to make and turns out so deliciously, extremely moist and very lightly sweetened. this is truly a no-fail recipe. you just blend everything in a food processor, pour it into a cupcake mould and bake. it really is that simple :)

banana breakfast muffin
2.5 cups old fashioned oats
1 cup plain greek yogurt
2 eggs (i used egg replacement)
1/4 cup agave nectar
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 tablespoon ground flax seed
1 teaspoon vanilla essence
3 ripe bananas
optional: walnuts, chocolate chips, etc

preheat oven to 200 degrees. place all ingredients in the food processor and blend until smooth. divide batter into cupcakes liners and bake for 23 minutes.

happy mommy's day 2013

ever since alexis is out, everything about her amazed me and still amazes me now. in my younger days, i always felt that my career must come first and that i wanted to make sure i had accomplished everything i wanted to do, go to the places i wanted to visit, before starting a family. now, it is quite the opposite :))

however without all the accomplishments and holidays, i still love my little family a million lot! and really looking forward to being with them every single moment, with lots of love and laughter. i am contented and grateful because they are my home to familiarity.

So to all mommies, myself and especially my own mommy, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!