something is making in process

salted dulce de leche.

sweet sweeter sweetest

some things was never meant to be so complicated. maybe i'm overimagining things, but maybe i'm not.

ever since i reached my 29th mark, i haven't really thought through the past and feeling this contented for so long. sometimes i'm mad at the man for ruining my plans. i'm mad at him for the problems he caused. i'm mad at him for not feeling the way i do. i'm mad at him because he simplifies things too much. i'm mad at him because we talk about money, not us. i'm really really really mad but maybe i should also be mad at myself for being mad.

i'm suddenly reminded of simpler times. we can stay in the room during a weekend afternoon and nap til the sun goes down. we can have tele-conversations late into the night that always comforts me and puts me to bed.

i never imagined being this sweet, let alone thought i'd encounter these but i did and now, even sweeter with the girl. we can't go back into the fairytale past to re-live every moment but we can savour the sweetness in our hearts. it's just...heavenly perfect :)

on a side note, all my memories of the girl are so babyish and kiddo-ish...so it’s pretty surreal that here she is, now taking the magiclean wiper mop, seriously walking around the house being a little helper. how time flies.

peaceful thursday

the home is strangely quiet save for the sound of dryer tumbling away. no screaming or laughters from the sick little girl for once - she is napping peacefully. i'm not sleepy, i'm just...glazed over. the sky seems to be devoiding of light and brightness. the world just somehow feels different, quiet and peaceful.

suddenly i feel such a longing to have a long tight hug from the man and reminise those good old days :)

crisis

this year, i found myself making a little liberating wish. i no longer wish for everyone to be happy, i wish for me, myself and i to be happy.

sometimes when the world gets me down and the period of happiness i had was a glitch, i feel so much like a tortoise searching for that elusive place of comfort. in the confines of limited movement and vision, i am contented to be. people are hard to predict. i think i know them but really, do i? compartmentalisation is a gift. but how many things can i take? it is hard not to expect but expectations are death sentences and i will never learn.

so people, in the end, i am still unable to take down the walls that protected me always. another emo session and a protesting brain. i want hugs.

birthday trip

“we sit silently and watch the world around us. this has taken a lifetime to learn. It seems only the old are able to sit next to one another and not say anything and still feel content. the young, brash and impatient, must always break the silence. it is a waste, for silence is pure. silence is holy. it draws people together because only those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking. this is the great paradox.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

later i will leave for bintan, be back on friday :) trip is cancelled, the girl is running a temperature.

i am 29

on my twenty-nine birthday, i'd say,

help me be a greater person.
to not greed,
to rid the bitterness,
to not look back and commit the same mistakes.
to value happiness in simple ways.
to be grateful for the loves i receive.
to take in sunshine and rainbows.

who wouldn't be fond of birthdays? since young, how excited we would be. fascinated with this day, looking much forward to the wishes and pressies. right now after all these years, nothing has changed. :) i still love november 14th, i could go through this day twice, thrice, ten times and yet, still be amazed.

this year, cakes and high sugar contents keep me swell, very bad i say, very very bad. but i enjoyed every bit of the celebrations besides the damn unpredictable weather these days! at 29, from a daughter and a sister, i became a wife and a mother. i will cherish the memories and have an open mind confidence in the future. i will learn, experience and grow and with all the love surrounding me, i will start being thankful for the experiences that made me laugh, cry and grow. on this day, i don't think i will treat it as a time to rethink what has been done throughout the year because there is always this great disparity between what i have accomplish and what i can accomplish. birthdays are just an excuse to make merry and be merry :)

on a side note, the man bought a mango almond eggless whole wheat cake from cedele. once again, the girl gets a sweet treat and with the option of choosing a healthy cake, i feel so safe. and yes, it's a pyjamas cake cutting session as requested by me :)

love education

it's been amazing. i hate to think what it would be like if i had not...met the man and popped the girl. just when i think i know the girl well enough already, she pops a surprise at me behaviourably and characteristically. everyday, we learn something new about this girl. i am happy, right now i'm looking foward to our first family holiday trip to bintan on the 14th, the beach and much much loves :)

and now, how do i live in every moment, devour up all the sights and emotions and tastes and smells and colours and forever remembering what's running through my head at each second? i am going through another freedy madness birthday wish.

on a side note, brown rice, green vegetables, fruits, avocado and yogurt still form the main staple foods for the girl. at the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all i really want is for the girl to eat healthily, grow up healthily and stay healthily :)

4 years of strong vows

four years on and our love has grown up so much, though we still have the future to see and experience. more than anything, i have so much to be thankful for, appreciate the love we share and having a marriage full of colored lighters in shapes bursting in all directions. i fell in love with you which smells of nothing but cigarette. i am more in love than in love right at this point of time. about the future, i forsee our wrinkled hands still holding tightly together.

happy four years wedding anniversary ღ
081112.

"no relationship(s) is perfect, ever. there are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give up something in order to gain something greater... the love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences. and that's the key. It's like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. love can make up for alot"
- sarah dessen