focus

it's one of those days where i feel fearful, whether for reasons i understand or not.
i feel so unfocused at work these days. and so i have been feeling like i should drop everything and leave for the states. i really want to go but there's so many things that complicate matters to think about and even confirm.

i'm just afraid, more afraid and very afraid. i think my mind is on too many things, but i cannot afford to stop to perform myself well in my role and position. i try to be as objective as i can but i'm always coloured by my opinions and prejudices. i feel so trapped now when i'm feeling the works piling up on me sneakily like a mountain.

does living in the moment make me like this? have i been missing the days that i set out wanting to watch and be thankful for?

you gain something, you lose another

so many people know what they want in life. but I've come to realise how i can never give an answer defining what i most desire, like the sort of career, financial or living situation. the future is a great big question mark, exclaimation mark and another question mark. when i am faced with a question about my future, my heart pounds, a sound of sigh and my head always resounds with a single answer, that i want to be happy, i want the people around me to be happy.

but most of the time, the situation isn't just that perfect. you gain something, you lose another. and only then, i will know the whole.