life these days has been one massive blur. i am not alone but i am really tired. secretly i realise, i am afraid inside. afraid of the twentieth week scan, afraid of another news bomb dropping down on my unborn baby. now i feel this inherent need to fight against the terror, which i sense is too near for comfort and chillingly, is ready to swallow me whole the moment i let my guard down.
during the first month, bleeding begins and kkh suspected a ectopic pregnancy. during the second month, still bleeding accompanied by severe morning sickness. during the third month, OSCAR result showed a risk of me having a down syndrome baby. as the day wore on, i began convincing myself that maybe it was not meant to be. just so the let down would be that much more bearable. but i am lying, i do not think anything would have made the cut less severe.
a person should experience everything once in your lifetime. i guess i did not think of this. really, all those came as a horrible shock, but maybe, a wake-up call. and this is enough to last one lifetime. i should stop re-enacting the moments in my head because everytime it gets worse and worse.
right now i just feel so small and vulnerable. an urge to curl up and hibernate. i do not know how i really really feel, yet? whenever my mind drifts, maybe i have to focus on the fact that, i can be considered lucky, it could have been worse.
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