thoughts after delivery

choose everyday, when i wake up in the morning and go to bed at night, to forgive myself. i am a mother but a human, flawed. and nothing is more precious than to live and experience my life right now for all its happiness then to try to push all the right buttons hundred percent accurate every single time.

i thought back to two weeks ago, almost exactly at this time, when i cried my heart out to the man. i felt awful, i was guilty, and definitely demoralised. emotions built up since 18 july where i had an emergency c-section to deliver andrea. from dr adrian's clinic in compasspoint to thomson medical centre for an urgent scan of my super low amniotic fluid to the operating theatre, everything happened within an hour or two. i was unprepared and traumatised to a certain extend. andrea was only thirty-six weeks, however the best thing that ever happen on this day to me, andrea came out healthy, safe and perfect :)

once again, breastfeeding had me defeated, same as five year ago. i seek help from the lactation consultants, i bought a new spectra s1. i ate fenugreek and milk thistle. lactation brownies and cookies became my breakfast and snacks. i drank papaya fish soup almost everyday. i cried every time i nurse. things just do not work out for me. nevertheless now i still try my best to pump as much as possible. it is little and enough for a feed every other day, if not everyday.

i was going through a transition period from a mother of one to a mother of two. i was unsure, unsure about the new additional responsibilities, unsure if i will fare well as their perfect mother. i had so many things going in my head. i rejected all helps from my parents. i was clearly drained out.

but that's when i also learnt the greatest parenting lesson of all: it is not about me. in fact, nothing was about me anymore. it was all about them. i may never be the perfect mother, but i will always try my best to be a good one. probably incapable of much emotions these days but i can't be more grateful for the little angels in my life right now :)